1. The Extremely Old
They have been driving since before there was a requirement to take a test, and their Rover or Honda has covered 3,000 miles from new in 15 years. Despite all this experience, the Extremely Old will still tend to set out during rush hour.
Old car in immaculate condition. Average speed around half the speed limit. Tweed caps (men), sensible bonnets (women). Usually in front of you.
- Extremely slow in all conditions
- Likely to be in middle lane of 3 lane motorways. As they are doing 35mph, cannot pull back in due to the steady stream of trucks going past on the inside.
- Random signals including leaving indicators on for 8 miles, or not at all.
While not a significant danger themselves (too slow for that) their driving style causes other road users to take actions they would normally avoid:
- Overtaking on the wrong side, on bends, at junctions. Anywhere to get past and make some progress
- Speeding, after having managed to get past, to make up lost time
- Deliberate ramming (in extreme cases)
2. The Yoof (AKA Chav or Douche Bag)
Driving since last week (legally) or for 4 years (illegally), the Yoof is generally found in small packs. Unlike the Extremly Old, the Yoof can be found in all locations, at any time of the day or night.
Also tends to drive an older car, but usually a cheap Vauxhall Nova or similar. The car will generally have been modified: badges removed in a vain attempt to disguise it, large exhaust end, glued on spoiler or rear wing from a completely different vehicle. Driver will usually be wearing a cap just slightly too large for them, normally backwards or sideways. Synthetic materials are obligatory.
Can often be head coming before seen due to the holes punched in the exhaust to make it sound sportier.
- Will attempt to drive fast, but is often limited by the 1.1 litre engine.
- Creeps forward over the line at red lights, but still pulls away slowly
- Will drive within 6 inches of the car in front
- If encountered with another Yoof, frequent overtaking is mandatory.
Much more dangerous to themselves and other road users:
- Will refuse to let anyone pass them, especially other Yoofs, so expect blocking manoeuvres
- Will do 50 in most 30 zones (but not so dangerous on motorways as cannot go over 80 mph)
- Has no concept of a blind corner, or being able to brake (on bald tyres) in the distance they can see
Dealing with hat wearing drivers
Tactics for the two are similar: avoid at all costs. For the Extremely Old, overtake when safe, but be aware everyone else wants to do the same thing. For the Yoof, avoid altogether - best wait until they go the other way. Tends to drive in random circles, so often easily avoided.